How to write a eulogy for your mother or father

Most people asked to give a eulogy have a day or two to write it and have never written one before. That is enough time. This guide shows how to write a eulogy for a mother or father in order, from the first calls to relatives to the moment you stand up, with a template to fill in. For finished eulogies to read first, see eulogy examples for a mother or father.

What a eulogy is

A eulogy is the speech given at a funeral or memorial service in praise of the person who died. The word is pronounced YOO-luh-jee and comes from the Greek eulogia, praise, or literally good words. Because it begins with a y sound it takes "a," as in "she gave a eulogy for her father," and the verb is to eulogize. It is also called a funeral speech or a tribute. At a Catholic funeral the family's short speech is called words of remembrance, and at a Jewish funeral the eulogy is a hesped.

A funeral is often the only time everyone who knew a person is in one room, from the oldest friends to the people from work. The eulogy is where they hear the whole life told, often with years in it they never knew, and many families keep the text for the grandchildren.

The difference between a eulogy and an obituary

Because the people in the room knew your parent, a eulogy can leave most of the dates out and spend its minutes on the stories. How to write an obituary covers the written notice.

Who gives it, and when in the service

The family decides who speaks, usually with whoever leads the service, and a minister, rabbi or celebrant can also give the eulogy from what the family tells them. In most services the eulogies come after the opening words and readings, and before the closing prayers or the burial.

Some services have rules of their own. At a Catholic funeral Mass the priest gives a homily on the readings, and the Order of Christian Funerals rules out any kind of eulogy in the liturgy itself. A relative or friend may speak in remembrance before the final commendation, often for a few minutes only, so longer memories go to the vigil the evening before or the gathering afterward.

How long a eulogy should be

Ask whoever leads the service how long you have, and write to that time. Most eulogies run two to seven minutes. The main eulogy at a funeral is usually about five, a sole speaker may take up to ten, and when three or four people speak, about three minutes each is a fair share.

Humanists UK, in its guide to funeral speeches, plans on 130 to 140 words a minute. Speakers slow down at a funeral, so a five-minute eulogy is about 600 to 700 words. Shorter is nearly always better. The eulogy examples include a table of lengths in minutes and words.

How to write a eulogy, step by step

These steps take a few hours spread over a day. The sections after them go into the ones that need the most care.

1. Ask how long you have, and who else is speaking. If brothers and sisters speak too, agree who covers which part of the life, so that no story is told twice.
2. Gather memories from relatives and friends. Call three or four people who knew your parent at different times, including someone who knew them young, and ask each for one story and one thing your parent used to say.
3. Look through papers and photographs. Letters and photographs with names on the back hold details nobody remembers to mention.
4. Check names, dates and places against a document before you say them aloud.
5. Decide what the eulogy is about. Find the one or two qualities the stories share, such as patience or an open door.
6. Choose two or three stories that show those qualities, each with something your parent did or said.
7. Choose a shape. Follow the life in order, or build the eulogy around one quality or one saying.
8. Write it out in full, the way you speak. Grief makes it hard to speak from notes, and a full text lets someone else finish it if you cannot.
9. Write the opening and the ending last. Once you know the stories, the first and last lines are easier to find.
10. Read it aloud and time it. Cut whatever runs over, starting with anything that is more about you than about your parent.
11. Read it to one close relative. Ask whether anything is wrong or likely to hurt someone in the room.
12. Print it in large type, and give a copy to a second reader who can sit near the front and finish it for you if you need them to.

Gathering memories from relatives

You know your parent's later years better than anyone, and very little of the years before you were born. The people who knew your parent young hold those years: an older brother or sister, a cousin, a friend from school, the neighbor from the first apartment. Call them first, since they are often the oldest, and a short call is enough. Grandchildren often have a story of their own that the grown children never heard.

Questions that ask for a story work better than "What was she like?", which tends to bring back adjectives. Try these:

• What is the first time you remember her?
• What did he always say, or always do?
• What did she do for you that you never forgot?
• What was he proud of?
• Where did she grow up, and how did she come to live here?

Write down people's words as they say them. A phrase in a cousin's own words, such as "your mother never once came to the door empty-handed," is often the line the room remembers. Ask each person whether you may tell the story.

Papers, photographs and dates

A drawer of papers settles questions memory cannot. A marriage certificate gives the date of the wedding, and naturalization papers give the town of birth and the year of arrival. If the family story says your father arrived in 1949 and the papers say 1951, use the papers, or leave the year out. How to write your parent's life story sets these facts in order and takes them further.

Choosing a structure

There is no single right shape for a eulogy. Four work well for a parent:

• In the order of the life, from childhood to the later years. It suits a long life with clear chapters, and it is the easiest to write in a hurry.
• By qualities, two or three of them, each with a story. It suits a life with few public milestones.
• Around one saying or object, introduced at the start and brought back at the end. It gives a short eulogy its shape.
• Through your own relationship, what your parent was to you at different ages. It suits a eulogy given alongside others who will cover the life.

A eulogy template and outline

Whatever the shape, a eulogy opens with who you are and ends with a short goodbye, and the stories fill the middle. The times below are for a five-minute eulogy, and each part shrinks for a shorter one.

Fill in the template below, then rewrite it in your own words. The brackets give the shape, and your stories do the work.

[Good morning.] I'm [your name], [parent's name]'s [son or daughter]. [Thank you all for being here.]

[Mom] was born in [place] in [year], [the fact that shaped her, such as the youngest of six or the family that came from another country]. She worked as [work] for [number] years, and [one exact detail about it].

[First story: when and where it happened, what she did, and what she said.] [Second story, showing the same quality from another side.] [A third story, from someone who knew her young, if there is time.]

[What she gave us: the saying or the habit we will keep.] [Mom], [one or two sentences to her directly]. [A short last line.]

Tone, and when humor belongs

Write the way you would talk to a friend about your parent. Plain words carry better in a room than fine ones, and one sentence your mother actually said will move people more than a quotation about grief.

Humor belongs in a eulogy when the stories are true and kind, and when the family would laugh at them too. A funny story about your father's driving lets people remember the whole person. Place it in the middle, and turn toward the loss before the end, so the last minute is serious. A smile before a funny story tells people they may laugh. A celebration of life can carry more humor than a funeral, and a Jewish funeral is usually more restrained, so ask the rav.

When the relationship was hard

Some parents were hard to love, and a eulogy does not have to pretend otherwise. Speak about what was good and true, such as the work your parent did to keep the family, or the years when things were better. Leave grievances out, since the people in the room cannot answer them. If you cannot find anything to say that you believe, it is all right to ask someone else to give the eulogy.

Mistakes to avoid

• Listing every relative and every achievement, which is the obituary's job.
• Telling more about yourself than about your parent.
• Private matters, such as the details of an illness or a quarrel in the family.
• Stories you have not checked with the people in them.
• Running over your time, which takes it from the speakers after you.

How to open, and how to close

Begin with your name and how you are related, since not everyone in the room knows, then go straight to your parent with a place or a detail everyone will recognize. A dictionary definition or a famous quotation about death puts distance between you and the people listening. Openings that work:

• "I'm Paul, Margaret's oldest son, and I want to start at her kitchen table."
• "For those who don't know me, I'm Ruth. Joe was my father for fifty-eight years."
• "My grandmother had one rule for visitors, and most of you have heard it."

For the ending, many speakers turn and speak to their parent directly for a sentence or two. Others bring back the saying or story from the opening, or end on a line of their parent's own. A verse or a prayer suits a religious service, and "We love you, Mom" is enough for any. Stop when the last line is said, and resist adding a second ending.

A eulogy for a mother, a father or a grandparent

For a mother or a father, the person speaking usually knows the later years best, and the hard part is the early ones, which is why the calls to older relatives matter. When several children speak, each can take a period of the parent's life, or one can speak for all.

A grandchild can speak about what the grandparent was to the grandchildren, and ask a parent for the years before they were born. Keep it short, since the children will usually speak too. A son-in-law or daughter-in-law can begin with how they came into the family, and may be asked to speak for a husband or wife who cannot.

A speech for a celebration of life

A celebration of life is a gathering in memory of the person, often held days or weeks after a private burial or cremation. It usually has more speakers than a funeral and a lighter tone, and each speaker's share of the time is shorter.

To write a celebration of life speech, for a parent or a friend, follow the same steps, and choose stories that show the person enjoying life, such as the trip every summer or the joke told every year. Start with your name and how you knew them, since guests come from different parts of the person's life. End with something the room can share, such as raising a glass or inviting others to tell a story of their own. The eulogy examples include a lighter eulogy written for one.

Writing a eulogy for a Jewish parent

In Jewish families the eulogy is called a hesped, and the rav usually decides who speaks and for how long, so ask him early. Customs differ between communities, so follow your own. Many speakers give the parent's Hebrew name in transliteration, with the father's name, and end with yehi zichro baruch, may his memory be a blessing, or yehi zichrah baruch for a woman.

Delivering the eulogy

Read the eulogy aloud two or three times before the day, once to someone else, and mark the places where you will pause. If there is a microphone, ask beforehand how close to stand. Speak more slowly than feels natural, since grief and nerves speed people up, and look up at the end of each paragraph.

Tears are no reason to stop. Pause and breathe, then go on when you can, because the room will wait for you.

What to do when you cannot speak

Some people know in advance that they will not get through it, and some find out at the lectern. Each has a way through:

• Ask someone else to read it. A relative or the officiant can read your words and say that they are yours, with you beside them if you wish.
• Arrange a second reader. If you stop and cannot go on, a nod is enough, and they come up and finish it.
• Give your stories to another speaker. The officiant can build a eulogy from them, and some families hire a eulogy writer, who works from conversations with the family.
• Speak at another time, such as the gathering after the burial or the first anniversary.
• Write a letter instead. A letter to your parent, read by someone else or printed in the program, says what you would have said.

No funeral needs a eulogy from every child. A family may choose one speaker for all of them, or ask the officiant to speak for everyone.

Where a eulogy ends

By the time a eulogy is written, its writer has gathered far more than five minutes can hold: an aunt's memory of the first years, the town a grandfather came from, the year of a crossing, letters in a drawer. The eulogy uses a few hundred words of it. The rest is the outline of a family history, and it fades within a generation unless someone writes it down. A researched history finds the records behind the stories, and says what each one proves and what is still unknown.

Zichronos researches a family in the archives that hold its records, then publishes its history as a finished hardcover book. What a memorial book is compares the books families make after a death, and a memorial book in thirty days explains what can be ready by a date. Family history book examples shows a finished book page by page, what a family history book costs compares the ways to make one, and How we work sets out the steps. The other guides are in memorials and tributes.

Sources: Dictionary.com and Wiktionary on the word eulogy; Humanists UK, how to write a funeral speech; the Order of Christian Funerals, paragraphs 141 and 170, as quoted by Paul Turner in The Priest.